'ZOOMotional Support'

by Heather Day and Martha Day

[ZOOMotional Support is the entry of Martha and Heather Day, a mother-and-daughter playwriting team, in the Summit, New Jersey, playwriting “bake-off,”  Martha is a close friend and associate of Kirk Woodward, whose own entry play, Dance Break, I published on Rick On Theater on 22 July. 

[Kirk also wrote a description of his process for creating Dance Break according to Summit’s rules for the competition, posted on ROT on 19 July as “Playwriting Bake-Off” (http://rickontheater.blogspot.com/2020/07/playwriting-bake-off.html).  I recommend reading Kirk’s report first, before reading ZOOMotional Support, and then I suggest reading Dance Break (either before or after the Days’ script).

[That way, you can see, first, what the parameters of the bake-off were and how the authors of the two plays followed them.  Then you can also see how a playwright and a playwriting collaboration each created completely different plays from one set of “ingredients.”           

[When Martha Day sent me her and Heather’s play to present on ROT, she commented:  

We had a lot of fun creating it. . . .  Our approach mirrored the technique used by contestants on the TV cooking show Chopped.  On Chopped the challenge is to “make the ingredients the star of the dish.”  Judges want to taste all the ingredients front and center.  So we took the “ingredients” of the bake-off and created a play that made the ingredients the stars of the play.

[I think you’ll agree that that’s what Martha and Heather accomplished.]

ZOOMotional Support

© 2020

No performance of this play of any kind may be given without the written permission of the authors:

Martha and Heather Day

25 Hillcrest Road

Cedar Grove NJ. 07009

*  *  *  *

CHARACTERS

DOCTOR:  male or female, any adult age, professional

#1:  female, any age, contemplative

#2:  male or female, mature, well balanced

#3:  male or female, any age, brassy

#5678: male or female, any age, aggressive

#777:  male or female, any age, playful

#X:  male or female, any age, trustworthy

TIME

Tuesday at 7 pm

PLACE

Scene:  A Zoom meeting that DOCTOR is hosting.  All the characters but #777 have joined the meeting with their video off.  They’ve renamed themselves to be their characters’ names.

*  *  *  *

DOCTOR

So again, thank you all for joining our meeting promptly.  And I see that you all renamed yourself to be whatever number is meaningful to you.  Thank you for that.  As you know, this is a safe space for everyone.  So being anonymous is very very important.

#X

No problem.

DOCTOR

We have a nice sized group tonight so let’s be respectful.  We’re here to support and listen to each other.  Remember, we have two ears, but just one mouth.

#5678

Speak for yourself.

DOCTOR

Listen, I really don’t want to have to mute everyone and go through the hassle of looking for the little hand-waving icon so I can unmute someone who wants to speak.  So again, let’s be respectful at all times.

(silence)

Good!  So, what’s on your mind?  Who’d like to go first?

#X

I’d like to say something, but I can’t.  It’s a secret.

DOCTOR

No problem.  We’ll come back to you.

#3

I’d like to go first.  I often go first, like a herald trumpet.  Bra-bra-bra-bra-bra-bra-BRA!

DOCTOR

OK, #3.  Let’s start with you.  Everyone, give your attention to #3.  You may begin.

#3

Here’s the scoop. When I was young, I was abandoned.  I was shuffled around from house to house.  At first, they’d be nice to me.  They’d play with me.  But then they’d get bored with me.  Found me to be too difficult.  And they’d hand me off to someone else.  Sure . . .  I can get a little shrill.  But I don’t deserve to be treated this way.

#5678

Wah-Wah. Put a stopper in it.  For God’s sake, you belong in the back of the closet with all the others discarded instruments.  There’s nothing worse than a trumpet.

#3

Wait – I thought this was to be anonymous.  You’re not supposed to know who I am.

#5678

It’s hard to miss when a trumpet is blaring. 

#1

If you don’t mind my asking, why’d you choose #3 as your identity?

#3

It’s a clever shout out to the third valve.

#2

That’s a nice pitch!

#5678

Trumpet jokes are the worst.

DOCTOR

All right.  Let’s let the trumpet – I mean #3 – take a rest.

#3

For how many measures?

DOCTOR

Again . . . I have to ask you all to be respectful.  Feelings of abandonment are very real, as many of you know. 

#3

Since my cover’s been blown, I might as well put my real name on my box. (#3 renames their Zoom box “TRUMPET”). 

#2

I’d like to go next.

DOCTOR

That would be nice, #2.  Let’s all listen to #2 now.

#2

I don’t really know what happened.  I used to be included in everything.  I was part of helping people get together and stay together.  But now, I’m by myself all the time.  No one comes near me, or checks up on me, or includes me in their lives.  The loneliness is killing me.  I’m coming unhinged! (Starts to tear up)

DOCTOR

Take your time, #2.  We’re here for you.

#2

I am so angry at Netflix.  It’s swayed people away from me.  Now people are always indoors.  Instead of cuddling with me, watching the stars at night, they stay indoors 24/7, eyes glued to that stupid screen.  I don’t even know how people stay together anymore.  They never talk to each other.  They used to talk constantly, sipping a glass of lemonade with me in the summer, hot cocoa in the winter.  Now?  I’m useless.  Worthless.  Ignored.  Beautiful, but empty.  You think you’re abandoned, Trumpet?  Try being me. I’m just hanging here, left swinging in the breeze.

#X

You can never tell about someone.

#1

Could you go inside and be with them?

#2

That’s not happening.  They keep me chained to the porch ceiling.  I’m lucky if they leave the shades up so I can see them in their living room.

#X

Ooooo!  I know who you are!  I know who you are!  But I won’t tell!

#3/TRUMPET

Hey #X– what are you?  A secret or something?

#X

Rats. (#X renames their Zoom box “SECRET”).

DOCTOR

We’ll get to you in a minute, #X.  Go on, #2.

#2

Well I . . . 

#5678

Get over yourself, #2.  You’re nothing but an old porch swing.  A remnant from a gentler world when people talked to each other face-to-face. 

(silence)

DOCTOR

I’d like to remind you that we need to be respectful.

#5678

Well excuse me if I step on a couple of toes!  Professional hazard.

DOCTOR

#2 are you okay?

#2

(sighs loudly) I think I’ll just sit here quietly for a moment.  (#2 renames their Zoom box “PORCH SWING”).

DOCTOR

5-6-7-8?  You seem to be pretty aggressive this evening.  What’s going on with you?

#5678

The world has gone mad.  I had such a good gig going.  I could always find work.  Sure, my shin splints have stress fractures on top of heel spurs.  And then the world turned upside down.

DOCTOR

Can you take me through it step by step?

#5678

I have just one word for you.  Hamilton.  No more “We’re in the Money.”  Nobody wants jazz hands.  Hamilton wrecked it all.   Dance is now completely intertwined with everything.   Goddamn Hamilton.  Busby Berkeley must be rolling in his grave.

#X/SECRET

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!  I know who you are!  I know who you are!   But I won’t ruin the big reveal!

#5678

Listen, Secret.  We know who you are.  You’ve got nothing to hide.  And since I’m usually the showstopper, why not go big.  Might as well see my name in lights.  (#5678 renames their Zoom box to “DANCE BREAK”).

DOCTOR

Dance Break, you sound tapped out.

#3/TRUMPET

I love the sound of Taps!

#X/SECRET

Do tell!

DOCTOR

Why don’t you cool down and take five?

#1

Five’s on the call?

DOCTOR

No five had an oil change. Why don’t we now listen to Secret, I mean, #X.

#X/SECRET

I’ve been listening to you guys.  And I think it’s safe to say that we all have something in common.  This modern world has rendered us obsolete.  Look at me.  What’s the point of being a secret anymore?  Everything’s out there on social media.  Cameras are on every street, in doorbells, sitting on our kitchen counters.  Nothing is hidden that isn’t being revealed.  Big Data knows everything.  And even when a good juicy secret is let out of the bag, “They” just call it “Fake News.”  It’s hard times for someone like me.

DOCTOR

Thank you Secret for being so open.  Do you have anything more you’d like to disclose?

#X/SECRET

I’d rather keep it to myself.

DOCTOR

Very well.  So #1, you’ve been pretty quiet.  Penny for your thoughts?

#1

That’s the problem!  People see me on the street.  I could be sitting on the curb, or just lying dead in the middle of the crosswalk.  And they pass me by.  Every.  Time.  I can’t make heads or tails of it.  I’m a gift from heaven.  So unexpected!  I’m even good luck.  No one cares.  

#X/SECRET

(muttering under their breath). Trying not to tell . . . trying not to tell . . . 

#1

If only I could circulate with the others.

#5678/DANCE BREAK

Listen, you Penny you, it costs more to make you then you are worth!

#1

I feel so unloved. (#1 renames their Zoom box to “PENNY”)

#2/PORCH SWING

Don’t feel bad Penny. I really like you. You’re someone with good cents.

#1/PENNY

Thanks. It’s nice to be appreciated.

#5678/DANCE BREAK

Isn’t that sweet. A penny saved . . . .

DOCTOR

(Ding dong sound) Oh look.  We have someone new in our Waiting Room.  Give me a second to bring them in.

(enter #777 with the video off, and renamed “#777”).

#777

Greetings and salutations!  Boy I had a hell of a time dialing in just now.  Sorry I’m late.

DOCTOR

Better late than never!  So glad you’re with us.  Why don’t you tell us a little something about yourself?

#777

Thank you for letting me join you.  I’ve been tempted to do so many times before.  I finally decided – tonight’s the night.  So here I am.  You might say I’m a longtime listener, first time caller.

DOCTOR

Well we’re glad to have you.

#777

Yeah?  Well you might be the only one.  I don’t get any respect these days.  Ever since some crazy guy said, “Hell is other people,” my life has taken a turn for the worse.  I used to be so important.  In the old days, everyone talked about me constantly.  Blamed me for everything . . . which . . . I might add . . . was pretty accurate.  But now?  Now I can go weeks without someone even considering for a teeny weeny tiny moment that I just might be behind all the mess in the world. 

DOCTOR

That must be very difficult.

#777

It’s living hell.  I feel like I’m damned for all eternity to be ignored and dismissed.  I’m just not needed.  People are doing a bang-up job all by themselves making a hell-hole out of everything.   

#1/PENNY

Wait . . . wait . . . shouldn’t your number be 666?

#777

Jesus Christ!  People can’t even get that right!  666 is not my number!  That’s Ralph’s!  My dog’s?  It’s the Mark of the Beast, for God’s sake!  The devil’s in the details, people!  (#777 renames his Zoom box “DEVIL”).

#5678/DANCE BREAK

You aren’t completely obsolete.  You’re still doing fine work in the theater.

#777/DEVIL

So glad you noticed!

DOCTOR

Well our time is just about up for this week.  We’ve really made some great progress today!

#5678/DANCE BREAK

Wait – I want to talk more about stupid people.

#X/ SECRET

We always stop right when we are getting to the good stuff!  I always learn new things!

#1/ PENNY

I really want to talk about what we have in common. We have more in common than we have differences!

#3/ TRUMPET

I’m a pro at articulating. Let me start by saying . . . 

#2/PORCH SWING

If it’s ok with you, I’ve been going back and forth on it all.  And I agree with Penny.  Each of us used to be valued by people in our world.   Somehow, we’ve been left behind like unrealized dreams.  And yet, I am convinced that we still have value.  Because, at our very core, we bring people together.  Friendships deepen when secrets are kept.  Life is fuller with live music and dance.  Unexpectedly finding a penny has meaning.  There’s nothing nicer than to cuddle with someone on a nice comfy cushiony front porch swing.  And even the devil has a value by helping people see that they have a choice to do the right thing.  We might be lost for now, but I have faith that we will be found again.  We will be appreciated again.  And the world will be the better for it.

#777/ DEVIL

Ugh. Who made you our mouthpiece? I’m outta here. I’m going down to Georgia.

(exit #777/ Devil)

DOCTOR

Thank you, Porch Swing.  I think that’s a great place to stop for tonight.  Don’t forget we have another ZOOMotional Support Group starting up next Monday at 7 pm.  It’s called “Living with Toxic People.”  You might consider it.  We have a lot of theater people signed up already. Again, thank you all for being part of our group.  I look forward to Zooming with you again soon.  Stay well.

BLACKOUT

[Heather and Martha are a daughter-mother team.  Heather is from Montclair, New Jersey, and currently teaches Latin at a Catholic all-girl’s high school in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.  Martha lives in Cedar Grove, New Jersey, and is retired from corporate and is a singer, actor, pastor, and playwright who raised Heather in the wings and on the stage of community theater.   Heather always has duct tape and a power drill with her.  Seriously.  She does.  This play is their first collaboration.

[When I read ZOOMotional Support, I went along with the play by trying to identify the numbered characters—after the playwrights provided the first identification.  I guessed #777 was the Devil as soon as I read the cast list—but I’d never have guessed why s/he wasn’t #666.  (I must still have Aleister Crowley, the British magician on whom I blogged on 28 September and 1, 4, 7, 10, and 14 October 2019, on my mind!)  

[I was way off for Porch Swing—I thought #2 was going to be wind chimes (aka Aeolian harp) because after Trumpet, I figured the characters, except the Devil, would all be “musical” instruments—or connected to music somehow.  I thought #5678 would be connected to the count with which a conductor (or choreographer) starts a measure—I didn't actually think of Dance Break, though.  I was way off on the premise, too.]

'Dance Break'

by Kirk Woodward

[Well, this is something different for Rick On Theater.  If you read “Playwriting Bake-Off,” which I posted on 19 July, you know that my friend Kirk Woodward entered a playwriting contest  offered by the Summit Playhouse in New Jersey.  The contest was styled as a “bake-off” in which participants had to compose a play according to certain rules and the play had to incorporate certain “ingredients.”

[Dance Break, published below, is Kirk’s entry.  (I’ll let you look back for yourself to see the rules of the contest and Kirk’s description of his process in writing the play: http://rickontheater.blogspot.com/2020/07/playwriting-bake-off.html.)  I thought it would be interesting to see how Kirk used the ingredients list to compose his play.  Look for: a trumpet, unexpected money, a porch, a dance break, a secret, and the Devil.

[It’s a little like the literary version of a hidden-picture puzzle.]

DANCE BREAK

© 2020 Kirk Woodward

No performance of this play of any kind may be given without the written permission of the author:

Kirk Woodward

24 Kingwood Drive

Little Falls, New Jersey 07424

*  *  *  *

CHARACTERS (all adults)

EMILY (F), independent and determined

NICK (M), smooth and suave

GABEY (F), trumpet player for the band

TIME: The present.

PLACE: The wide front porch of a house. Inside, a party is going on, with a live band.

*  *  *  *

A wide front porch, a center door to the house. A party inside, and a live band – dance, not rock – is finishing a set. NICK comes onto the porch through the door, dressed for a classy, formal party.

NICK

(inhales the fresh air, looks around, calls behind him) Emily! Come on out! (No response.) Emily! I’m out on the porch! (Still nothing) Hey, Emily!

EMILY

(from inside) I’m coming! Give me a minute! (He paces with irritation.)

EMILY

(Enters) Sorry! You know I have a lot of responsibilities for this party. I’ll be in and out. It’s a big night for my aunt.

NICK

It certainly is. Having all that money drop right in her lap. Like she won the lottery.

EMILY

Things like that happen. Some people get the breaks, some people don’t. She did. I’m not jealous . . . Well, maybe a little. It is a lot of money.

NICK

See! I knew it!

EMILY

You think you know everything. You’re so smart. You have an angle about everything.

NICK

I’ve got an angle about you, that’s for sure. I love it when you’re irritated.

EMILY

You’re making fun of me.

NICK

How am I supposed to act when you ignore me? You hardly danced with me at all.

EMILY

I just didn’t feel like dancing.

NICK

In the dance break you were shaking and rocking and moving like the devil.

EMILY

The music was exciting!

NICK

Exciting? It’s a dance band! It was dull when your parents were dating!

EMILY

No such thing! I was having a good time.

         (GABEY comes out, holding her trumpet. She blows in it, clearing it.)

NICK

(to EMILY, irritated by GABEY’s presence) Come on, let’s go out on the lawn. I want to talk with you. I’ve got an idea.

EMILY

I’m staying here. The grass is wet. (Sees the trumpet player) You’re the trumpet player in the band! I didn’t realize you were a woman. You sounded great. That dance break – you were hot.

GABEY

That’s nothing. You should hear me when I really get going.

NICK

Hey! Over here! This is important.

EMILY

(Crossing to him. GABEY looks away.) Everything’s important to you.

NICK

Now listen. You wish you had some of your Aunt Emily’s money, right?

EMILY

Why do you ask?

NICK

What if you could get your hands on some of it?

EMILY

You mean steal the money? From her? Don’t you dare!

NICK

Did I say anything about stealing?

EMILY

Well, whatever it is. I wouldn’t do anything wrong to her.

NICK

How much wrong could you do her? She’s incredibly rich now. Tell me this - is she going to share it with you? The answer is no. She isn’t going to share it with you. Not a penny. She’s never shared anything with anybody.

EMILY

That’s not true and you know it. She’s taken care of me for years.

NICK

Minimally, and only when she has to. You’re telling me she’s generous? You work five and a half days a week in an office, your boss is obnoxious, and does your aunt care even a little?

EMILY

She’s not responsible for my happiness. Speaking of which, I have to keep an eye on the party.

NICK

Well, come back quick. I’ve got a proposition for you. (She reacts.) A business proposition.

EMILY

You’re out of your mind. All right, I’ll be back in a minute. (Exits.)

GABEY

Nice girl. (NICK is surprised to hear her voice.) She seems nice.

NICK

What business is it of yours?

GABEY

I just like observing people . . . and things.

  

NICK

Keep your observations to yourself. Hey . . . don’t I know you from someplace? What’s your name?

GABEY

Gabey. Yours?

NICK

Nick. I’m sure I’ve seen you someplace.

GABEY

I play in a band, you know. Maybe you’ve heard the band before.

NICK

That band? Not likely.

GABEY

You’d be surprised. We get around. Don’t think this is the only kind of music we can play.

NICK

Yeah, well, follow your dreams. I’m sure there’s a big market for swing era trumpet players . . . somewhere.

EMILY

(enters) The party’s going okay. (To GABEY) Is the band going to start again soon?

GABEY

You never know with that leader.

EMILY

My aunt’s a stickler for that sort of stuff. She’ll be waving the contract in your faces.

GABEY

Not in my face! (Goes back into the house)

NICK (to EMILY)

You through?

EMILY

What’s so important that I can’t have a little conversation?

NICK

I’ve been thinking, that’s all.

EMILY

No wonder you look stressed.

NICK

Shut up. No, I’ve been thinking about you . . . and your aunt.

EMILY

Aunt Emily? Why?

NICK

Look at it this way. You and she have the same name, right? Middle name too?

EMILY

Neither of us have middle names. Nobody in our family does. It’s part of our family history. My great grandfather hated his middle name. It was “Prosperity” or something. So he went to court and dropped it, and none of us have had a middle name since.

NICK

Fascinating. A simple yes or no would have been plenty. (She makes a face at him.) Here’s the point. What if all that money she got . . . was really intended to go to you? I said what if.

EMILY

Then I’d have it.

NICK

But you don’t.

EMILY

No, because . . . well, I just don’t, I guess. Why would all that money have been meant for me?

NICK

Why would it have been meant for her? That doesn’t make any sense. She’s a mean, spiteful person. Do you think she got the money because she was so wonderful?

EMILY

You’re saying . . . you’re saying they meant me instead of her? But the lawyers would have noticed!

NICK

Lawyers work for people. Did anybody challenge what she got?

EMILY

There must have been something in all those documents that showed the money was meant for her.

NICK

There’s not. Not precisely.

EMILY

We don’t know that, so – wait a minute. How do you know there’s not?

NICK

Because I looked.

EMILY

You what?

NICK

I looked. I happened to be in the library, and I happened to see the right papers. They were lying on the desk, or something. I couldn’t not look at them, could I? So I looked. It’s ambiguous.

EMILY

I can’t believe you went through my aunt’s private papers.

NICK

She shouldn’t have left them out! I had a funny feeling about it. I was right! I think maybe the money is supposed to go to you. I think your aunt has been stealing from you!

EMILY

(responding from a call in the house) I’ll be right there! (To NICK) Stay here. Don’t move. Not a muscle until I get back. (She exits into the house.)

GABEY

(back in view) You must be a lawyer yourself.

NICK

Huh? (Realizes) You were listening? Yeah, well, listen to this. Shut up and stay away from me or I’ll make you sorry. Really sorry.

GABEY

You mean, like apologetic?

NICK

You know what I mean. “Sorry!”

GABEY

You can’t imagine how many people have said that to me.

NICK

Here’s one that means it. Now get out of here!

GABEY

(Seeing EMILY returning) Look, she’s back. (GABEY passes EMILY as she goes back into the house.)

EMILY

(enters, to NICK) There’s all sorts of problems. We’re running out of ice, also the small plates.

NICK

Listen to you. Are you on the staff? Are you your aunt’s servant? Wouldn’t you rather be the one in charge? Have people respond to you for a change, instead of jumping like a puppet whenever she calls?

EMILY

You’re making it sound like I’m Cinderella or something. I’m not! Look at me! I’m not wearing rags, I’m wearing a really nice dress.

NICK

How often do you get to wear it? When your aunt says to! All I’m saying is, there’s an alternative.

EMILY

I don’t want to hear it. . . . (Her curiosity is too much) All right, what’s this idea of yours? Tell me.

NICK

It’s simple. You get a lawyer to sue and claim that the money was supposed to go to you. . . . You don’t get it? What’s the hard part?

EMILY

I’d never win.

NICK

“Win!” Where have you been? The idea isn’t to win. The idea is to settle! With all the money she’s got, she’ll easily be able to give you a measly ten percent or so. Enough for you to live like a queen for the rest of your life!

EMILY

It would never work.

NICK

Sure it would. It’s done all the time. Sweeten the pot. Offer a non-disclosure agreement. If you have to. They’ll be sure to take the bait. Her lawyers. Easy as pie.

EMILY

(deeply unsure) Well . . . (Fighting for time to think) I have to make sure things are okay inside.

NICK

Go ahead, Cinderella! (She glares at him and goes inside, bumping into GABEY, who’s coming back onto the porch.)

GABEY

Did you see my mouthpiece out here? My mouthpiece. You know, fits in the trumpet. I must have left it on the bench. Don’t see it.

NICK

I’ve got a funny feeling about you.

GABEY

I’ve told a joke or two in my time.

NICK

My feeling is the opposite of “ha ha.” Have you been listening in on me? Do you work for somebody?

GABEY

I work for the “Rascals of Rhythm.” Like it says on the drum.

NICK

Do yourself a favor. Clear out.

GABEY

I can’t. I’m on a gig.

NICK

Sure you are. So there’s the gig, right in there where the band is. Now go over to the band and don’t come back. Got it? Beat it, or I’ll “dance break” your legs. (GABEY goes into the house. NICK thinks hard. EMILY returns) So, did you polish all the silverware?

EMILY

Stop it! I’m not a house elf. I’m a grown woman and I choose what I want to do. And I’ve been thinking about what you said. There’s no way I can do it. It would break up the family! It would just ruin everything!

NICK

What family? You’re thinking about your aunt? You think it’ll make her meaner? She can’t be any meaner. You think it’ll upset her? She’s always upset.

EMILY

And the rest of the family!

NICK

You mean your cousin in Iowa. And Lucy’s family in Chicago. Give it up, Emily. Nobody would care. They’d probably cheer! They don’t like your aunt either.

EMILY

I just can’t do it. It would break her heart.

NICK

If she had a heart to break. Which she doesn’t.

EMILY

(Seriously upset now) I . . . I have to go inside and . . . and check. (She goes into the house. GABEY enters from a side of the porch.)

GABEY

Nice work.

NICK

(whirls around) You! I thought I told you for the last time to disappear. I’m going to make you sorry you were ever born.

GABEY

That would be a threat - if I had been born.

NICK

Huh?

GABEY

Don’t you recognize me, Nick? Come on, we’ve known each other . . . practically forever!

NICK

(Realizing) Gabey . . . Gabriel! You! I didn’t expect you to look like a woman.

GABEY

(With a French intonation) Gabrielle, Nick. Fooled you again. You’ll never get ahead of me, Nick. Never.

NICK

What are you doing here? Why here? Why now?

GABEY

You flop at predicting what I’m going to do, Nick. But you, on the other hand - you’re completely predictable. Money . . . greed . . . three temptations . . . honestly, I’d think you’d have come up with some new tricks by now.

NICK

I’ve got some up my sleeve that you’ve never dreamed of.

GABEY

Then we’ll meet them when they come. Meanwhile, I’m going to ruin this latest stunt of yours. There’s no way you’ll get Emily to do what you want.

NICK

You don’t think so? You’re wrong, Gabey baby. I’m going to beat you right now. I’ve got two words, and they’ll stop you right in your tracks. Here they are: free will. She gets to decide on her own, and she’s going to decide for me.

GABEY

Whatever she decides, you know we won’t give up. We’ll match you at every turn. The story won’t be over, no matter what she chooses. I won’t let you win – even if I have to blow this – (holds up her trumpet) to stop you.

EMILY

(appears in the doorway) You don’t have to. I’ve already made up my mind. (They’re both surprised.)

NICK

You have?

EMILY

Do you think I’m completely naïve, Nick? I don’t know if I knew you were the devil, but I certainly knew you were a devil. A devil, Nick! Tempting me! I guessed your secret, even before I heard the two of you talking at the door. And you know what, Nick, you succeeded!

GABEY

Woah! Wait a minute, Emily.

EMILY

No, you wait a minute. Nick has a great plan. It’s easy, it won’t cost me a thing. It won’t even hurt my aunt . . . much. It’s foolproof.

NICK

(to GABEY) Take that, you fat-headed conceited angel!

EMILY

Except for one thing.

NICK

What? I’ll fix it. What did I leave out?

EMILY

I couldn’t live with myself. It would be wrong, Nick, and wherever it came from, I have some kind of sense of right and wrong. Anyway there’s no way I’d do it, no matter how tempting it was.

GABEY

(to NICK, greatly relieved) What were those names you called me, again?

EMILY

So I’m afraid you’ll have to take your act someplace else, Nick. Don’t think it hasn’t been fun. I learned a lot. You taught me a lot. I’ll be more careful next time.

NICK

This is ridiculous! It’s the wrong decision. Everything’s against it!

EMILY

“Free will,” Nick. Remember?

NICK

Aaaaaagh! Damn both of you! (Rushes off)

GABEY

Not a chance. . . . Watch out! Don’t slip! That grass is wet!

(NICK obviously slips, although we don’t see it.)

GABEY

Ooooh . . . (Calls to NICK) Warned you! (NICK is gone) I’m very impressed, Emily.

EMILY

Don’t be. It was a near thing. It’s still tempting.

GABEY

It always will be. But you’ll be all right. And I’m never going to let him win – not even if I have to blow this, you know, in a big way. (Indicates the trumpet)

EMILY

You wouldn’t have, would you – just for this?

GABEY

You never know. It’s all unpredictable. But if I did – it would make for one amazing dance break!

EMILY

It certainly would.

GABEY

Say, the band’s coming back. I’ve got to get inside.

EMILY

You’re going to finish the evening? The gig?

GABEY

Sure I am. You know, with the job I have . . . (Showing the trumpet) I don’t get many chances to really blow this thing! (Goes inside.)

EMILY

(to herself) Back to the party . . . 

BLACKOUT

[Kirk Woodward studied acting with Elizabeth Dillon at the HB Studio in Manhattan.  He is a director, playwright, and actor, and a member of the New Jersey Mental Health Players.  He is musical director and performer for the Foggy Minded Boys and the Foggettes, who provide free entertainment for not-for-profit organizations.

[In addition to his article on ROT about writing plays—“How to Write a Play,” posted on 18 February 2016, Kirk’s written many pieces for this blog.  Among these are “How America Eats: Food and Eating Habits in the Plays of Suzan-Lori Parks,” 5 October 2009; “The Most Famous Thing Jean-Paul Sartre Never Said,” 9 July 2010; “Bob Dylan, Performance Artist,” 8 January 2011; “Reflections on Directing: Helping” (a four-part series), 11, 14, 17, and 20 April 2013; Some of That Jazz,” 7 June 2015; “George Abbott,” 14 October 2018; and “The Gospel of John on Stage,” 11 January 2020; among many others.]

[He’s also published The Art of Writing Reviews (Merry Press, 2009)—on which I commented on ROT on 4-14 November 2009.  His plays include both musicals and non-musical plays and he writes for adults and children.  (I directed one of Kirk’s wonderful children’s plays, Aladdin, at the Provincetown Playhouse in 1978.  I also used a performance of his musical version of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow to discuss children’s theater on this blog on 25 November 2009.)  He writes mystery plays, religious dramas, and adaptations of classics.  All these are available through his website, Spiceplays (http://spiceplays.com/), which also provides synopses as well as royalty and ordering information.]